Thursday, May 5, 2011

Shiny Things

We’ve all known those people who we love and respect and appreciate, but might be a beer short of a 6-pack. These are the dear folks who are also often distracted by shiny things. HRC-eene. If you’re not sure that you know one of these people… Ask yourself this… would they be fished in by the popular, “Hey Look… Monkeys!” technique? ;) And truth be told, I will self identify as the occasional Shiny Thing Girl. Please refer to Appendix A: Melia’s Shiny Things* before judging me too harshly. You may find we are more alike than you think!

Well, today, I come to the defense of all the Shiny Thing People in the world. As I was feeding 60 or so of the baby turkey, I discovered that Shiny things don’t DISTRACT us, rather they ATTRACT us. It has nothing to do with attention span, or intelligence or a lack of commitment to a specific task at hand… it is our animal instinct. The evidence lies herein.

Baby Turkey (or is it Turkeys, Turkies, Turkeez, Turks?) are fed this yellow mushy stuff made of ground corn and eggs (yes, eggs…a bit cannibalistic, but whatevs.) We hand-feed these little fellas because its important for them to grow big and strong... Thanksgiving is just around the corner and we’ll be living on Easy Street! So anyway, we mash a golf-ball sized ball of this mush in our hands and then hold it down for the babies to peck away. And they LOVE the shit! Sometimes they miss and get a finger nail or meaty part of a fingerprint. But for now, their little beaks aren’t strong enough to do any real damage.

And sometimes, these little guys stray from the mush and come around my hand and start pecking away at my ring. It’s not a little distraction where they realize,” oh, that’s not food!” No no, it’s an attraction and they’ll keep pecking, they can’t stop…something about that SHINE just keeps them mesmerized. I actually had to take it off to ensure a few of them DID get to eat. So there you have it….our friends who love SHINY THINGS can’t control their instincts. They are just like Turkey!

Then again, I’ve heard that Turkey are known to drown themselves by looking up when it rains. And now I fear I’ve done more damage than good. Well shit. Kjo është jetë/This is life. Oh…and I have a hazy memory of being told not to go snorkeling in a shiny bathing suit as to not ATTRACT barracuda. So there’s that.

Peace, Love and Hey, Look…MONKEYS!

*Appendix A: Melia’s Shiny Things
Although not proud, the following non-all-inclusive list consists of things that have distracted the author from conversations, meeting deadlines, walking, chewing food, etc:
• A Tray-full of Z’s Chambord Margaritas
• Whale’s Tails (thong panties breaching the waistline of a girl’s pants)
• Butterflies (awwww….)
• Hot guys, which is an alternate list in itself.
• Douche-B’s dressed in Ed Hardy, Affliction, Head-to-Toe Leather, etc.
• Cute Old Couples
• Enormous Jugs on either gender
• Sizzling Fajita Platters
• Drunk girls… Bonus SHINE if they are crying.
• There are several more, but since I respect your time and patience, I’ll stop at thi…Wait a sec… is that at Mullet!?!


  1. Appendix B:
    - People tripping (with the "I'm OK!" correction)

    Appendix C: Shiny Words
    - Boobs
    - Any story told by Gary
    - CLT
    - Poo
    - Penis (PENIS!)

  2. Saw a large group of the Douche B's on Mill & University yesterday. I tried to snap a pic for you, but they were wily, and I had to drive the car. So shiny....